The War of 1812
a.k.a. The War of the Year After 1811
When: 1812 - 1815
Who: Great Britain and the United States of America
How It Ended: Treaty of Ghent, 1814
Slogans: The British are coming . . . again; Rule this, Britannia
Official Cause: Dispute over naval trade
Real Cause: Need for inspirational music to accompany fireworks displays for next 200 years
Little-known Fact: Britain's burning of the White House began the tradition of
its regular, costly renovation and redecoration by First Ladies.

The Mexican War
a.k.a. The Little War that Time Forgot
When: 1846 - 1848
Who: Mexico, United States, Texas
How It Ended: Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, 1848
Slogans: Yo quiero Mexico
Official Cause: Border disputes
Real Cause: Collapse of free trade agreement
Little-known Fact: No feature-length films have ever been made about this war.

The Civil War
a.k.a. The War Between the States, Mr. Lincoln's War, Thinning the Herd
When: 1861 - 1865
Who: United States of America, Confederacy
How It Ended: Surrender of Confederate forces, 1865
Slogans: Yeeeeeeee-haw!; On to Richmond; Cholera and Glory
Official Cause: Abolition of slavery, states' rights
Real Cause: Abolitionist William Lloyd Garrison's disparging public remarks about hominy.
Little-known Fact: Abraham Lincoln was a clandestine intelligence agent-- he hid microfiche in his stovepipe hat.

The Spanish-American War
a.k.a. We fought Spain?; A Splendid Little War; Teddy's Excellent Adventure
When: 1898
Who: The United States and Spain, in Cuba and the Philippines
How It Ended: Another Treaty of Paris, 1898
Slogans: Remember the Maine; You may fire when ready, Gridley; Where the hell are the Phillipines, anyway?
Official Cause: Revolt against Spanish colonial rule
Real Cause: Desire for Amerian colonial rule
Little-known Fact: The name "Rough Riders" did not derive from horseback riding. Rather, it was related to the extremely close living conditions on the ships that brought troops to the Phillipines.

World War I
a.k.a. The Big One; The War to End All Wars; Kaiser's Follies
When: 1914 - 1918
Who: Germany, France, Britain, The United States
How It Ended: Treaty of Versailles, 1919
Slogans: The Yanks are coming; Johnny get your gun; Johnny get influenza
Official Cause: Assassination of Archduke Ferdinand
Real Cause: Dispute over correct spelling of "Sarajevo"
Little-known Fact: The popular music of WWI killed more men than mustard gas.

World War II
a.k.a. The Really Big One; Honestly, This is the Last One; World War II: Electric Boogaloo
When: 1939 - 1945
Who: Pretty much everyone but Spain and Switzerland
How It Ended: Surrender of Germany and Japan to Allied forces in 1945
Slogans: Loose lips sink ships; V for Victory; Hey, where are all the Jews?
Official Cause: German Expansionism
Real Cause: Simmering resentment over lackluster catering at signing of Treaty of Versailles.
Little-known Fact: President Roosevelt once beat Adolph Hitler at arm wrestling.

The Korean War
a.k.a. The War Against Communism; Alan Alda's War
When: 1950 - 1953
Who: United States, South Korea, Communist North Korea and China
How It Ended: Cancelled in 1983, but still in syndication.
Slogans: Suicide is painless; It's nice to be nice to the nice
Official Cause: Preventing "domino effect" of Communist China
Real Cause: Need to revive flagging career of McLean Stevenson
Little-known Fact: Jamie Farr is really from Toledo, Ohio.

The Vietnam War
a.k.a. LBJ's War; The One We Don't Talk About
When: 1954 - 1975
Who: United States, Communist Viet Kong
How It Ended: North Vietnamese victory, 1975
Slogans: Hell no, we won't go; Feed your head
Official Cause: That domino effect thing again
Real Cause: Contractual obligation to Oliver Stone
Little-known Fact: The Vietnam War inadvertantly led to the development of a strain of super-marijuana that is impervious to Agent Orange.

Invasion of Grenada
a.k.a.: Operation Urgent Fury; Not the Vietnam War
When: October 1983
Who: United States, Grenada, some pelicans
How It Ended: Beach Party
Slogans: Free the med students; Win one for the Gipper
Official Cause: Something about tyranny
Real Cause: Spring Break
Little-known Fact: Grenada is not a real country; this war was conducted on a Hollywood sound stage.

Invasion of Panama
a.k.a. Operation Just Cause; Operation Just Say No
When: December, 1989
Who: United States, Panama
How it Ended: Surrender of Panamanian dictator
Slogans: Chi-Chi, get the yeyo; We built that damn canal
Official Cause: Ending reign of drug kingpin and dictator Manuel Noriega
Real Cause: Absolutely nothing to do with the C.I.A. and President Bush. Nothing whatsoever.
Little-known Fact: The loud rock music played outside the Vatican embassy while Noriega hid inside was not part of a psyops campaign; the papal nuncio was simply a huge Guns n' Roses fan.

Persian Gulf War
a.k.a. Operation Desert Storm; The One that Wasn't a Complete Disaster
When: 1990 - 1991
Who: U.S.-led Coalition forces, Iraq, Kuwait
How It Ended: Cease-fire, 1991
Slogans: Free Kuwait; Bulldoze an Iraqi conscript for Jesus
Official Cause: Liberation of Kuwait from Iraqi occupation
Real Cause: Panama got such good reviews.
Little-known Fact: Gulf War Syndrome is believed to be caused by combined exposure to camel dung and Gatorade.

Invasion of Afghanistan
a.k.a. War on Terror; Hunt for Osama bin Laden; The World's Most Expensive Bombing of a Bunch of Rocks
When: 2001 - foreseeable future
Who: United States, Terror
How it Ended: We'll get back to you on that.
Slogans: Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue; These colors don't run; Hulk smash!
Official Cause: Retaliation for 9-11 attacks
Real Cause: Shortage of colorful afghans in living rooms across America.
Little-known Fact: There are people who actually live in Afghanistan.