For example, if our nation's enemies ever procured a giant, flying, fire-breathing turtle, what kind of defense would we be ready to mount on short notice? None! We'd be turtle toast! But has the Pentagon allocated one single red cent of your tax money to research shell-breaching weapons? Sorry, friend, they have not. And according to the form letters they keep sending me, they have no plans to do so. Just because you've only seen giant flying fire-breathing turtles in the movies doesn't mean they're a complete fantasy, you know. In fact, William Safire has incontrovertible proof that the Iraqi military has had a genetically-modified turtle development program for years -- that's why they won't let the weapons inspectors in.

I've also sent innumerable email messages to my Congressmen about the vulnerability of our nation's rail system. Have you ever thought about the damage a committed group of terrorists could do if they hijacked a freight train full of TNT and crashed it into the White House? OK, so they'd have to lay rails up to the White House first, but these are resourceful criminals, fanatically devoted to their cause. Let's not forget that.

And don't even get me started on threats to our national soft drink supply system. A couple of pounds of cyanide in the major Coca-Cola bottling plants, and four-fifths of the populace would go down. Heck, they could even introduce a new, all-cyanide sports drink, and with enough advertising, people would drink it on purpose, just to be "cool." Think that's crazy? Have you tasted the new Diet Coke with Lemon?