The television industry's self-imposed ratings system was a nice idea, but let's face the facts:  it isn't just the content of the shows that causes problems.  Often, the titles of shows are horrendously misleading.  Therefore, we offer these revamped show titles and summaries which are, we feel, a little more honestly descriptive:
 

• Crocodile Harasser:  Steve and his perky wife travel through the African bush, irritating sundry reptiles and marveling at how agitated the snakes get when Steve holds them up by their tails and shouts "Crikey!" at them.

• Vicarious Fornication Island:  People who look better, are younger, and have more attractive partners than you get a chance to blow it all and end up just as pathetic, bitter, and lonely as you.

• Casey Kasem's Pension Fund:  Shaggy, Scooby, and thirteen other characters voiced by the most beloved Arab-American disk jockey of the 1950's through the 1990's meddle with greedy carnival employees living in an old mansion on a fog-shrouded island which has been rented by pop-music sensations the Beau Brummels.

• Live with Regis and What's-Her-Name: Everyone's favorite host shares his morning with you, a studio audience, and an animated piece of furniture with nice hair.

• Who Is the Cruelest, Most Vicious, Backstabbing Son-of-a-Bitch of Them All?:  Sundry overly-fit narcissists compete to see who can eat the most rats, make the fewest friends, and commit the most acts of betrayal, duplicity, and sheer obnoxiousness.