Congratulations! You have been identified by an anonymous local Republican precinct captain as a party member in good standing, and an enthusiastic supporter of President Bush. If an independent background check verifies your complete devotion to the President, you may be eligible to attend his upcoming Town Hall Meeting on the future of Social Security. Please answer the following questions so we may assemble an audience which truly represents the fanatical, mindless adulation that makes 51% of our country great.

1) Does your admiration of the president stem from
a) Your love of country
b) Your family's proud history of military service
c) Your deep and abiding faith in God
d) Your behavior-modifying medications
e) All of the above

2) How worried are you about the future of Social Security?
a) Very worried; it is a ticking time bomb.
b) Extremely worried; it is a crisis that is already upon us.
c) Worried to the point I cannot eat, sleep, or focus on daily hygiene; Social Security will destroy our society and feast upon the flesh of the living.
d) Only a little worried; I am a Communist.

3) How excited are you about the idea of having your own personal Social Security investment account?
a) Very excited; it's a great idea! The President was wise to propose it, and obviously cares a lot about people like me.
b) Extremely excited; it is a double-plus good idea! All honor and praise to our great economist warrior boy-king!
c) So excited I can barely breathe. Please, help me, I can't breathe. I couldn't afford my asthma medicine this month.
d) Only a little excited; I am an atheist.

4) What are you prepared to do to further the President's plan for personal accounts?
a) Sign and mail a pre-written letter to the editor of my local paper.
b) Impoverish my children and grandchildren.
c) Take a bullet.
d) Kill (Please see the Army recruiters in the lobby after the event).

5) Do you have any heartwarming stories to share about how you personally have benefited from the president's policies?

6) Could you make one up?

7) Would it feature any cheerful, non-threatening minorities we could photograph?

8) What kind of vehicle do you drive?
a) Mini-van
b) SUV
c) Hummer
d) Stretch Hummer
e) M-1 Abrams tank

9) If someone in the audience near you stood up and began to protest against the President during the event, how would you react?
a) I would wait in keen anticipation for the President to respond, obliterating the protester's argument with his razor-sharp wit and superior intellect.
b) I would signal for a Secret Service agent to come remove the offender, with force if necessary.
c) I would pray for God to strike the sinner down with a lightning bolt.
d) I would shoot the bastard with my concealed weapon.

10) Please indicate your highest level of education:
a) 8th grade
b) High school
c) College
d) Harvard MBA (Please walk slowly and carefully to your local Republican Party Headquarters for help in filling out this form.)

OPTIONAL, in case of overflow attendance:
11) How many bugs would you be willing to swallow to attend this event?