Dear Abdul,
I recently received a letter containing some suspicious white powder. Should I send a thank-you note?

- Undecided

Dear Undecided,
If the powder came from a friend, and was properly sealed and labeled, you should definitely send a thank-you note. It should be hand-written on nice note paper. Avoid that tacky words-cut-from-the-newspaper look. If the powder did not come from a friend, reciprocating with a mailbox pipe bomb is always appropriate.

Dear Abdul,
My Mom and Dad are so old-school! Every summer I have to go off to militia training with them, when I'd rather be cyber-stalking gay rights activists with my friends. They just don't understand. What should I do?

- Misunderstood

Dear Misunderstood,
Though you may not always see eye-to-eye with them, your parents have your best interests at heart. Remember, they'll be your parents until the day they die in a horrible cross-burning accident. Instead of rebelling, try to be grateful for the time you get to spend with them each summer, honing your bomb-making skills, discovering your roots, and meeting like-minded teens. After all, who else but your family is going to help you face down the ATF agents when they come knocking on your door?

Dear Abdul,
I sometimes have these uncontrollable feelings that I would like to live a full and normal life, having children, contributing to my community in a meaningful way, and dying a peaceful death. Maybe I was just never meant to blow myself up in a public place. I mean, what's the point of it all, anyway? Is there something wrong with me?

- Depressed

Dear Depressed,
You have a serious problem and should seek professional help immediately. Talk to your imam or high school guidance counselor. They can help you past this dark time.