Reduce, Re-Use, Recycle, Begorrah!
What better holiday to celebrate earth-friendly habits than St. Patrick's
Day, the greenest day of them all? Green beer, green shamrocks, assorted
green bodily fluids - they're all integral to the celebration. But
what to do with them afterwards? Here are some tips for keeping the
festive remains out of the landfill:
Because
Muhammed wore a green cloak, green is considered a holy color by many Muslims.
Donate your green cardboard cutouts of drunken leprechauns to the nearest
mosque.
Though
flimsy in single strands, green crepe paper streamers can be woven together
to produce a rope strong enough for hanging oneself in a moment of drunken
regret.
Leftover
raw potatoes are fine for lobbing at British nationals on your doorstep.
The
midget you hired to play a leprechaun doesn't have to go back just yet.
Consider using him as a towel-caddy or handy end-table.
That
extra copy of James Joyce's "Dubliners" will just about block the hole
in the broken parlour window, where the bitterly cold wind whistles over
the tiny coffin in which lies the body of your dear little sister, God
rest her soul.
Green
beer can be used to disinfect your barn after the Foot and Mouth Inspectors
slaughter and cremate all your livestock.
Now
that the novelty of those Celtic music CDs has worn off, consider using
them as coasters for Uncle Seamus's beers, or stringing several together
as a shiny mobile for the twins' crib.
Mix
cold corned beef with boiled potatoes, chopped onion, parsley, salt and
pepper, and throw it away in the backyard when no one is looking.
Faith, and you should be returnin'
to the Toad a la Mode menu.
