Toad a la Mode Home Improvement Guides, Part One:
Complete Do-It-Yourself Instructions
for installing your home solar heating system
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Step One: Procure slightly more than 1 (one) solar
mass hydrogen (approximately 2.2x1027 tons) (important safety note:
DO NOT exceed 50 solar masses, as a Type I Supernova could result).
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Step Two: Wait for gravity to compress the gas
to an appropriate density for atomic fusion. This may take several
million years, so have a back-up heating system in place meanwhile.
We suggest a wood-burning stove. (You will also need to revert to
this system on cloudy days, so don't dismantle it once your solar heating
unit is up and running.)
NOTE: When fusion ignition occurs, you solar heating
unit will begin off-gassing approximately 5-25% of its mass in gas and
particulate matter over a 10-million-year period. Work in a well-ventilated
area, and always wear a face mask.
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Step Three: When quiescent thermonuclear fusion of
your solar heating device has been achieved (core temperature of 20 million
degrees Absolute), be sure to place the unit at least 8 light-minutes
(93,000,000 miles, or 1 a.u.) from your home, to avoid overheating.
Your home solar heating unit should last approximately
10-20 billion years, providing 5x1023 units of energy per day (horsepower).
This is approximately 8000 trillion times more than is needed to power
the average home; however, it is still prudent to insulate your home thoroughly.
WARNING: If at any time the unit expands
to several hundred times its normal circumference and turns red, leave
your house immediately and contact a qualified repair service.
Coming Next in Toad a la Mode Home Improvement Guides:
Installing a new bathroom in your rustic Tuscan villa.
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