DC-area gas stations replace "Turn off your cell phone" signs with "Put on your kevlar vest" signs.

FBI seeks to question Michael Stipe regarding lyrics to REM's "Don't Go Back to Rockville."

Maryland and Virginia police issue advisory suggesting that office workers treat that creepy guy in Shipping with special kindness.

Osama bin Laden offended that the infidels of the American media haven't tagged him as sniper attack mastermind. "Safire's column doesn't count," he sniffs to Al-Jazeera.

"Our day has come!" declare shut-ins.

Based on latest profiles, FBI now searching for someone who hates lawn-mowing, shopping, Big Oil. Local curmudgeons questioned.

Investigators compile list of recently-discharged GIs with sniper training who have a history of emotional problems and like to collect guns -- hope to narrow this down to the four or five thousand most likely suspects.

President Bush warns that Iraq is only months away from acquiring white Chevy vans.