A Knight's Tale, by the Brothers Grimm
Bonehead Mick
Once upon a time, in a far away land called "England," there lived a queen who had three sons.
All three were spoiled and inbred, and prone to having extremely dysfunctional relationships
with women. So the queen was very sad. Her subjects believed her to be increasingly superfluous
(and costly), and they weren't at all pleased when she refused to cry, or even look up from her
knitting, after the death of her ex-daughter-in-law. After much thought, the Queen decided to
make celebrities into royalty. "If I take people who are already popular and knight them," she
thought, "my subjects will come to like all royals. And everyone will love me!"
At first all went well with the Queen's plan: chubby pop piano-players, washed-up novelists,
and wiltingly effeminate stage actors were knighted, to great public acclaim. But then the
queen began running out of popular celebrities to knight. Finally she decided to make a knight
of a commoner called "Bonehead Mick," the legendary if dessicated frontman of a rock band
named the Rolling Stones. Mick was clumsy and coarse, and no one took anything he said
seriously. Bonehead Mick, in fact, wasn't even English anymore, having moved to the
Continent to evade British taxes. Nevertheless, the Queen, who (encouraged by her
celebrityphile Prime Minister) had already knighted almost all the other
still-living 1960s English rockers, was determined to knight Bonehead Mick.
There was great rejoicing when Bonehead Mick's good fortune was known. "Oh, Meek!"
cried his 19-year-old lover, Gabriella, daughter of his vineyard-master and mother
of his 42nd child. "That Queen-lady is going to make you a knight! What will that make me?"
"Oh, darling, you'll still be a nobody," replied Bonehead Mick. "Now, hand me that
Jack Daniels -- there's a good girl."
Meanwhile, back in England, the Queen's sons came to see her. "Mother, Bonehead Mick
is a deadbeat father," said her eldest son, Charles, "and he doesn't even live in this
country anymore. How can you knight him?"
"He's so popular with the young people," mused the Queen. "That nice young man
Tony Blair suggested I knight him. He likes him. And I remember that you used to be fond of the Rolling Stones as well."
"Yes, Mother," Charles sighed, "nearly 40 years ago. Back when I was young and still had a future."
"There, you see, he is popular," replied the Queen. "And I, too, will be popular!"
"But Bonehead Mick doesn't even do any charity work -- at least your other
KBEs have had that in their favour," said Andrew, her second son. "I mean,
I thought knighting Cliff Richard was a specious decision, but this is just nuts!"
"I understand he works with troubled young girls," replied the Queen. "I'm told
he has a real ability to touch them in important ways."
"That's certainly what their lawyers all say," said her third son, Edward.
So the plans to knight Bonehead Mick were made. The orb and sceptre were polished,
the crown jewels retrieved from the Tower of London, and the special doughnut-shaped
cushion was placed on the throne. Finally, the day for Mick's investiture arrived.
The ornately gilded Throne Room at Buckingham Palace was chock-a-block with reporters
and Bonehead Mick's illegitimate children. As the Queen lifted the sceptre from
Mick's shoulder and proclaimed, "Arise, Sir Mick," a deep, unifying feeling of
acute embarrassment swept the nation.
"Thank you, Your Majesty. This is such an honour," beamed Sir Mick.
"Yes, it is," said the Queen. "By the way, I wanted to tell you that I really
enjoy that song you do called 'Devil Woman.'"
"That's nice, Ma'am," replied Sir Mick, "but actually that's not one of mine. It's by Cliff Richard."
"Oh?" puzzled the Queen. "Well, then, I shall have to knight him too."
And so aging badboy of rock'n'roll Bonehead Mick became a knight of the
British realm. The next day, Sir Mick boarded his private jet bound for his villa
in France, his newly pregnant chamber maid in tow. And they lived happily ever after, for about six weeks,
until a new girl arrived to clean the swimming pool.
You're certain to get satisfaction at the Toad a la Mode menu.
Return to the Main Menu