July 4th Terrorism Precautions

The Toad a la Mode Office of Civic Hysteria urges you to observe these
July 4th Terrorism Precautions

Avoid breathing so as not to inhale spores of anthrax, small pox, or any other diseases ending in "x."
Cities can reduce their risk of attack by moving July 4th festivities to alternate dates. Be careful not to announce these dates to the public, as it may tip off terrorists.
Consider adding Cipro and/or small pox vaccine to your cook-out condiments.
Stay away from bridges, tunnels, tall buildings, and other metaphors found in dreams.
Muslims are forbidden to eat pork, so make sure all the dishes at your picnic are liberally spiked with ham. Don't forget the apple pie.
Children, if Mommy or Daddy expresses concern for terror suspects' civil rights, be sure to call the FBI. You'll get lots of yummy ice cream.
Avoid large public gatherings by staging your own fireworks display. This is also a great way to support local redneck entrepreneurs and emergency medical technicians.
Watch for potential disguises. That charming fellow with the white beard impersonating Uncle Sam may actually be the imam of a local radical mosque. He could be hiding a turban under his top hot.
Stay inside your home and seek shelter in an interior room. Unless you live in an apartment building. Or in a city. Or near a power plant. Or any government buildings, malls, airports, or sports arenas.

Above all, remember: We must not let terrorists change our way of life.

Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels. On your way there, why not return to the Toad a la Mode menu?

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