Discarded
Psychological Operations Plans in the War on Terrorism
U.S. Special Operations forces include a crack Psychological Operations (PSYOPS) unit. More so than most of the military, they've been busy lately.
Carefully-placed "leaks" regarding U.S. support for a Palestinian state, public embracing of moderate Muslim leaders, humanitarian aid for Afghan
refugees: all are components of the PSYOPS strategy to shore up American morale, discourage further acts of terrorism, promote domestic
harmony, and strengthen our anti-terror coalition. In the rush for justice, however, many of their more promising plans have had to be abandoned
for lack of time or resources. A few of the more thoughtful proposed operations:
- Encourage female virgins with black belts to commit suicide, kick hijackers' asses for all eternity.
- Ask First Lady Laura Bush to spearhead "Don't be a terrorist! Read a book!" campaign.
- Popularize desired behaviors with Burger King's "Repentant Terrorist" Kid's Meal.
- Unify nation with public spanking of Jerry Falwell.
- Publicize moderate Islamic beliefs via Schoolhouse Rock video outlining the myriad subtle theological meanings of the Arabic word "jihad."
- Stimulate economy by having U.S. automakers offer "0% financing and you don't have to pay us if you lose your job because the terrorist
attacks hurt the economy."
- Build goodwill toward Arab countries with release of soulful-eyed "Artie the Afghan Camel" Beanie Baby.
- Paralyze Afghanistan by bombarding it with computer hardware systems made obsolete by the Tech Bust.
- Show support for Afghan people by boycotting Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.
- Arrange humiliating appearance for Osama Bin Laden on Jerry Springer.
If you don't return to the Toad a la Mode menu, the terrorists will have already won.
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