Handicapping the Papacy

Handicapping the Papacy

As 120-odd Cardinals cut off all contact with the outside world and convene to choose a new Pope, speculation is high about the nature of the coming papacy. What do Catholics have to look forward to if one of the following front-runners is elected?

Cardinal Francis Arinze: Liturgy adapted to include iPod lists of laity.
Cardinal Oscar Maradiaga: Would be unable to enact many new policies due to constant coups d'Etats attempts by the IMF.
Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi: Door-to-door excommunication; frequent confessor bonus miles.
Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger: Continuation of Church bans on contraception and homosexuality; new bans on file-sharing, hitchhiking, and cow-tipping.
Cardinal Claudio Hummes: Paella, and lots of it.
Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio: Continued ban on women priests. But would compensate by making Tuesday vespers "Ladies Night."
Cardinal Jaime Ortega: The Spanish Inquisition II--Cuban Style. Really more of an audit this time around.

Veni, Creator Spiritus, back to the Toad a la Mode menu.

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