Huzzah for the Glorious Fourth! Toad a la Mode recommends the following time-tested traditions for expressing your patriotism this Fourth of July:
Annoy a sovereign nation. You can't go wrong with Canada.
Eat potato salad until mayonnaise seeps out your pores.
Since fireworks are now illegal in many locations, entertain the children by showing them your burn scars from past celebrations.
Get drunk and fall off a jet-ski, shouting "death to tyrants!"
Maintain our country's proud lead in obesity by eating 3 apple pies and 2 hams. Take that, Africa!
Go to a baseball game. Every time there is a hit, yell "Cricket sucks!"
Dress as the beloved character "Uncle Sam," with false beard, top hat, and tails; when the IRS comes to collect your unpaid taxes, pretend you never heard of yourself.
Enjoy a mad-cow-disease-free hamburger or hot dog.
Emulate our Founding Fathers by developing your own agricultural estate, with neo-classical buildings and beautifully kept grounds. Listen to the happy negroes singing as you stroll through the slave quarters.
Stockpile guns in honor of the great men who wrote the Second Amendment, whoever the hell they were. Probably that Washington guy was one of them.
We hold this truth to be self-evident: that you should return to the Toad a la Mode menu.
