Overheard Recently at Toad a la Mode

Dalai Lama unable to meet President Bush as planned due to impenetrable wall of karma around White House.
New study reveals 62% of Halloween candy sold is actually consumed by single women.
Owners of O.J. Simpson memorabilia spending a lot of nights lying awake, listening for strange noises.
Nobel Prize in physics awarded to non-Americans for work that 99.9% of Americans cannot understand.
Rhinoceros beetle larva priced out of compost piles in good neighborhoods.
Office phone features 25 buttons with completely unknown functions.
New Jersey opens border refugee camp to handle exodus of shocked, dazed Mets fans.
Cooking magazines decree the beginning of maple flavoring season.
Ricky Williams requests reinstatement to active status in NFL, having forgotten that he made the same request two days ago, and also a week before that. Giggles, "Man I totally forgot," at press conference, then falls asleep in chair.
As panic over lead in Chinese toys spreads, Baccarat, Orrefors, Steuben report plunging sales of lead crystal.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig's arrest for public indecency outrages family values voters, delights sexual perversion voters.
Students return to classrooms, teachers return to binge drinking on weekends.
Karl Rove leaves White House to spend more time with family, create horcruxes.
Local chef labors under mistaken impression that "Provencal" is French for "tomato paste."
Prospective blood donor passes out from fatigue while answering 267 pre-screening questions.
Surgeon General issues warning about popular new "epileptical trainer"; notes that eletrically-induced seizures are not a medically proven way to lose weight or tone muscle.
Stock market fluctuates wildly as investors trade with one hand while simultaneously trying to read "Basics of Mortgage-Backed Securities."
Congress breaks for recess, snack.
English floods prompt government to issue boil-water alert for bathing, drinking, tooth brushing. Remarkably little boiling reported.
Excessive Harry Potter, Beckham news coverage leads public to conclude that the whole "Darfur thing" must have worked itself out somehow. Good for them.
After success of last night's "YouTube debate," Democratic candidates plan follow-up debate where all questions are submitted by lolcats.
Japanese earthquake heralds return of giant flying turtle Gamara. Chubby children in tiny shorts rejoice.
Britain expels four Russian diplomats in retaliation for spy poisoning; Russia responds by slapping tariffs on exports of polonium-210.
Nearly out of funds, presidential candidate Senator John McCain saves money by producing new Iowa ads in POW tap code.
UK terror plot prompts investigation of foreign doctors; Doctor Who frantically ransacks Tardis for diplomas, work visa.
Fortieth birthday celebrated with cake, ice cream, prescription medication.
Nichole Richie pregnancy spurs GOP about-face, introduction of bill funding government-mandated abortions.
Following second stem-cell research veto, sales of Bush voodoo dolls spike in areas surrounding Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins, MD Anderson.
On heels of Chinese pet food and toothpaste scares, government issues warning that Chinese fireworks may not meet FDA standards for human consumption.
Vowing not to repeat mistakes of Iraq, President Bush sends 80,000 troops to maintain security after the liberation of Scooter Libby.
Polls show Americans uniformly loathe the President, despise Congress, and dread the future, but are delighted that Paris Hilton is out of prison.
Tony Blair to resign as Prime Minister of Britain; considers becoming either Middle East envoy or offensive coordinator for Oakland Raiders.
IBM backs away from plan to lay off 150,000 workers; plans to sell their kidneys on the black market instead.
Hillary Clinton chooses Celine Dion song for campaign theme; contemplates Oprah Winfrey as Secretary of State.
Habitat for Humanity completes first home built entirely of discarded Free AOL CDs.
Woman's attempt to hand-knit socks spirals into madness.
Paris Hilton on fast track to Anna Nicole Smith-hood.
As foreclosure rates soar, many Americans now regret buying that second house just to store their credit card bills in.
Scooter Libby appeals 30-month prison sentence on grounds that he really doesn't want to go to prison.
President Bush insists he still has confidence in Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez; vows to sit in pumpkin patch all night if he has to.
Disney on Ice show inspires brief moment of wonder, three weeks of nightmares.
Congress subpoenaing everything in sight.
Pulitzer Prizes once again leave Susan Lucci empty-handed.
Nation's employment rate bolstered by seasonal lemonade-stand hiring.
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney named new spokesmodel for Calvin Klein's Contradiction.
Congress's attempt to issue subpoenas to Justice Department thwarted when entire department leaves for summer Bible camp.
Besieged for racist remarks, radio host Don Imus still maintains support of nation's embarrassing uncles.
Chicken cited for jaywalking.
Iran holds British sailors hostage, provoking outrage over the possible emergence of a new Ted Koppel.
Sen. John McCain's photo op in Baghdad market is spoiled when his assertion that the place is "perfectly safe" is muffled by his bulletproof helmet.
Scientists discover genetic link between plastic Easter grass and Christmas tree tinsel.
FDA targets Slim-Fast for its new "Super Weightloss Meal Replacer," claiming it is actually a can of sawdust.
Rat mistakes bait for peace offering.
Despite success of film, "300"-themed men's bikini briefs languish on store shelves.
Chihuahua ostracized by former friends for trying to pass as cat.
Neglected cheese drawer gives birth to new life form, which is tragically exterminated by Lysol days later.
Army Surgeon General Kiley resigns over Walter Reed scandal; says, in his defense, that he thought "Don't ask, don't tell" referred to rat droppings.
After flap over her use of the term "faggot," right-wing pundit Ann Coulter takes refuge from media at Berchtesgaden.
Freshman English student learns too late that "awk." is not an abbreviation for "Awesome/OK!".
Actuaries predict that this year, .03% of Spring Break skiers will be eaten by bears emerging from hibernation.
Iraqis grit teeth throughout Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's latest "surprise" visit; politely suggest she call ahead next time.
New study shows 85% of nation's homeless could be comfortably housed in existing IKEA store furniture displays.
Stricter food labeling laws force New Orleans officials to refer to Mardi Gras as "Trans-Fat Tuesday."
North Korea agrees to halt nuclear development in exchange for half a jar of peanut butter and a package of beef jerky.
Former CIA Executive Director "Dusty" Foggo indicted for having a dumber name the "Scooter" Libby.
English major spends 30 minutes cataloging spelling errors on Conversation Hearts, remaining 23.5 hours of Valentine's Day wondering why he never gets a date.
Chicago Bears quarterback Grossman to face off against Dallas Cowboys' Romo in 2007 Leper Bowl.
Boston in turmoil over black boxes labeled "ACME," evidently containing iron birdseed.
To save time previously spent drafting Signing Statements, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez instructs President Bush to cross fingers behind back while signing bills into law.
Hillary Clinton enters 2008 presidential race; pantsuit futures soar.
Alone in office, Dean of Liberal Arts desperately tries to remember if "1K" means one thousand or one million.
Ladybugs file class-action lawsuit aganst State Farm for refusing to issue homeowner's policies.
Statisticians identify February 5 as Magic Monday - date 10% through the year by which 90% of New Year's Resolutions are forgotten. Dr. Phil sighs, continues dictating magazine article.
Scientists identify chromosome which, when absent or damaged, compels people to buy bobble-head figures.
First-time Golden Globe attendee cries self to sleep after red carpet interviewer who had been so fawning calls her dress dumpy, her hair trite, and her earrings "way too Titanic."
News coverage of inclement weather gives Americans welcome break from all-Obama programming.
Apocolypse edges nearer with Eddie Murphy Golden Globe win.
Studies show three out of five garden gnomes are infected with leaf blight; most don't know.
Victorious Democratic horde sacks Capitol.
New iPod phone allows Department of Homeland Security to download suspicious calls for $.99 apiece.
Local nudist colony already regreting addition of cactus garden.
2007 shaping up as great year for everyone but polar bears, coastal dwellers, Middle Easterners, Sudanese, Somalians, Republicans, U.S. military personnel, and Redskins fans.
U.N. bitch-slaps Iran with sanctions.
Wary nation placates an angry god with penitential consumption of black-eyed peas.
Responding to heat-induced electricity shortage, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger urges citizens to drive non-electric Hummers instead of their usual Priuses.
Bush administration sends Israeli government large Kosher gift-basket, to thank them for distracting Americans from Bush's first use of his veto powers to quash the stem cell research bill the majority of Americans support.
Suspicious mole grows increasingly inquisitive, verges on badgering.
Fireworks, parades, Uncle Sam, potato salad, red and blue Jello. Discuss.
Cheated out of long weekend, Congress considers declaring July 3rd "Independence Day Eve."
Latest bin Laden tape features sarcastic singing of "Star Spangled Banner," Proud Mary."
Frustrated by Best Picture Academy Award loss, director Ang Lee begins planning next film: gay love story set in Los Angeles among penguins of various social classes, one of whom is involved in a minor auto accident with George Clooney.
Pond ducks, tired of accepting handouts, set up scholarship fund.
Ash Wednesday kicks off fast-food industry's annual Mystery Fish Sandwich season. This year, Sonic to tout "Penitential Hush Puppies."
In wake of controversy over UAE ports deal, Taliban postpones deal to purchase Kennebunkport Yacht Club.
Don Knotts, television's beloved Barney Fife, to be buried with single bullet in shirt pocket.
U.S. Olympic Committee begins rebuilding effort by reassinging Bode Miller to the Helmetless Headfirst Luge Team.
On second night of competition, Olympic ice dancers drop like gut-shot deer.
Congressional investigators discover that college textbook publishers are including 250 pages of Moby Dick in every single book they publish. Industry spokesman claims extra text is needed "for ballast."
Dashed Valentine's Day expectations slowly begin to fade from national consciousness.
Vice President Cheney "sprays" fellow quail hunter with lemony-fresh buckshot; White House spokesperson Scott McClellan reports victim feels "refreshed," "exhilarated."
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia hurriedly fills up all his free calendar time through the end of quail season.
Former Vice President Dan Quayle found hiding under desk.
Hurricane Wilma pounds Florida Keys; emperils 80% of nation's annual marijuana crop.
Local man's computer keyboard contains more crumbs than circuitry.
Lovingly crocheted afghan in cheerful ripple pattern provokes epileptic seizure.
Karl Rove to testify yet again before federal grand jury--jurors reportedly "can't get enough" of his Buddy Hackett impersonations.
Democrats propose low-income-family aid program to offset winter heating cost increases; Republicans counter with proposed tax break on cashmere sweater purchases.
Medical community girds itself for annual upswing in winter squash-related finger amputations.
Tom DeLay indicted for violating Texas campaign law, a feat previously thought unachievable by mortal men.
President Bush nominates White House Counsel Harriet Miers to Supreme Court. Back-up nominee said to be a paperweight from the Oval Office desk which he thinks is "kinda cool."
Minnesota Vikings trounced 30-10 by an even smaller girl, whose puppy was napping.
North Korea promises to discontinue its nuclear program in exchange for security assurances and economic aid. Asks for economic aid in advance, in small, unmarked bills.
New Orleans re-opens to residents, Florida Keys evacuate ahead of Hurricane Rita. Still has not occurred to anyone to just stay the hell off the Gulf Coast.
Minnesota Vikings trounced 37-8 by small girl and her puppy.
As fuel prices soar ahead of winter, Americans are urged to heat their homes with abundant alternative fuels such as wood, kerosene, and ass fat.
FEMA Director Michael Brown resigns; plans to spend more time with his family, hiding from angry mobs.
87% of all Fiscal New Year's resolutions already abandoned.
Noting that most hurricanes originate off the West Coast of Africa, Bush administration calls for pre-emptive strikes against Liberia. "You never know," says one official," they may have more of these things ready to send over to attack our country."
EPA officials tout creation of new wetlands in southern Louisiana.
Rest of nation finally realizes why New Orleans has such cool funerals.
New high-efficiency light bulb can be screwed in by three fewer Pollacks.
Blissfully happy dog completely unaware of what part of the cow he's actually chewing on.
Gas prices climb above $2.50 per gallon; economists hope cost to consumers will be offset by corresponding drop in price of yellow ribbon bumper magnets.
President attempts to disperse peace protesters around his Crawford Texas ranch using National Gaurd troops; ironically, they are all in Iraq.
Bush plans bike ride with 7-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong; tapes list of favorite castration jokes to handlebars.
Crawford ranchers concerned that crowds of protesters will adversely affect their rich fall harvest of fire ants, cactus, and rocks.
Pundit Robert Novak swears, storms off CNN set during live broadcast--blames James Carville for wearing garlic on set.
Mini-golf course found to contain a record three portals to Hell: behind snack bar, inside mouth of "fire-breathing" dragon, and under Peter Pan's left buttock.
President Bush begins five-week vacation on Crawford, Texas ranch; White House staff planning to get to work around 10:30 for remainder of August.
Robert Bork urges Supreme Court nominee John Roberts not to scrimp on the gift baskets.
Despite viewer protest, producers of "Rock Star: INXS" decide to scrap the finale's auto-erotic asphyxiation competition.
Swan secretly tired of being picturesque.
New Pop-Tart variety filled with chocolate-chip cookie dough blamed for upsurge in cardiac arrests among single women.
Well-intentioned parent buys toy guaranteed to make baby a genius; is unable to remove toy from box.
Desperate John Bolton rumored to be living in third-floor U.N. washroom, scavanging discarded bagels from cafeteria trash cans.
Vatican speaks out against Harry Potter, Darwinian evolution, indoor plumbing.
Terrorists bewildered to find London bombings have failed to terrify populace. "'Blitz'? What kind of stupid infidel word is that?" asks one al-Qaeda mastermind.
Pressed on Plame investigation, President Bush vows to fire any White House staffer proven to have commited a crime, on a Thursday, while wearing a pink shirt, riding a rhinocerous and holding a commemorative ashtray from the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition.
President Bush declares parts of Florida, Alabama, and Mississippi disaster areas. Later that day, Hurricane Dennis hits.
"Just Say No" campaign hails new Bravo show "Being Bobby Brown" as the most effective anti-drug message in decades, surpassing even Nancy Reagan's appearance on "Diff'rent Strokes."
After panic on the streets of London and panic on the streets of Birmingham, MI5 seeks clues to future terror strikes in other Smiths lyrics.
Justice Sandra Day O'Conner resigns from Supreme Court--unofficial sources report she is sick and tired of getting pinched by Antonin Scalia.
Office building burns to the ground while mid-level managers critique flowchart of emergency procedures.
Federal monitoring agencies report most public kiddie pools contains 60% water, 10% chlorine, 30% urine.
Jury acquits Michael Jackson--suddenly directionless media personalities wander dazed and bleating through downtown L.A.
Federal Government warns that 3-day 4th of July weekend may dangerously deplete nation's potato salad reserves.
Animatronic dancing sunflower inspires shortest-lived office merriment ever: 4.1 seconds.
Federal government issues $7.2 million grant to study why citrus is an effective cleaning agent, but orange juice gets all sticky when you spill it on the kitchen floor.
Queen Elizabeth II celebrates birthday by avoiding untidy G8 protesters, napping.
In apparent violation of the Geneva Convention, GITMO interrogators reportedly subject prisoners to interminable conversations between 40-year-old women about what they don't like about their aerobics class.
Ohio Republicans, plagued by bad state investments in coins, collectibles, and hedge funds, pray that the press doesn't find out about the magic beans.
Motorcyclists rally, then relapse.
Tulsa zoo to add irony-laden exhibit on Creationism.
Drive to bring lapsed Catholics back to the Church possibly hampered by Pope Benedict's newly-launched slogan, "Catholicism Uber Alles."
Yet another three-day weekend went by, and you still haven't cleaned out that closet. You should have just gone to the lake.
Nation's school teachers begin timidly venturing out into direct sunlight.
French voters reject EU Constitution, leave flaming sack of dog poop on President Jacques Chirac's porch.
Temporarily separated, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes exchange passionate press releases.
Vegan agonizes over purchase of flyswatter.
Afleet Alex survives near-spill, wins Preakness Stakes by 4-1/2 lengths, rescues stranded baby from burning tenement house.
Google introduces new Find Your Car Keys search feature.
Cash-strapped Jehovah's Witness chapter opens new Kingdom Hall Closet.
President Bush not notified, continues to ride bike while White House is evacuated--"We prefer not to disturb him until there's an actual pile of rubble for him to stand on," aides explain.
Continuing his program of change among American editorial boards, Pope Benedict XVI orders Highlights magazine feature "Goofus and Gallant" to drop "Goofus" panels.
Local woman's cats go on strike for 90-second work week.
Kansas School Board debates evolutionary theory; most points drowned out by loud thumps of members' "debatin' sticks."
Helen Thomas and Scott McClellan continue to delight White House Press Corps with their amusing "Who's on First?" routine.
Post-It Notes prove to be better life-organizing strategy than religion.
Quick scan of Mother's Day cards at local supermarket confirms what many have long suspected: there is no holiday the greeting card industry won't celebrate with fart jokes.
Jazz trumpeter either a master of atonality or stoned out of his mind.
"Minutemen" cease patroling U.S.-Mexico border for illegal immigrants; resume chasing neighbors' kids off their lawns.
Chinese flag factories working at maximum capacity ahead of Memorial Day.
Stock market follows catastrophic week with record rally; magic beans up 3.7%; Elixer of Life futures up 5.1%.
Unnoticed provision in House ANWR bill stipulates oil found there can only be used by members of Tom DeLay's family.
U.N. Ambassador-nominee John Bolton's confirmation in doubt as he eats heart, liver, and lungs of swing vote Sen. Chuck Hagel.
Jack-in-the-Box introduces new "Quanta-sized" breakfast omelette, which bends space and time by the sheer mass of its caloric content.
Studies indicate office telecommuting saves gasoline, time, shampoo.
Tiger Woods wins Masters, $1 million, world's ugliest green jacket.
Millions of Americans face annual choice between finishing taxes and faking own deaths.
Tree removal doubles local squirrel's commute time.
Prince Charles' last-minute decision to attend Pope's funeral forces awkward re-scheduling of Elton John's live performance in St. Peter's.
Terri Schaivo's funeral delayed as Federal Appeals Court rules on her Constitutional right to resurrection.
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue to be buried in sanitary styrofoam coffin, with flavor-wrap seal.
Boss's apparent display of gratitude turns out to be muscle spasm.
Vigil keepers outside Terri Schiavo's hospice grapple with prospect of returning to their own pointless lives.
New report blasts U.S. intelligence as "dead wrong" on Iraqi WMDs; also slams fortune cookie lottery numbers as "no better than educated guesses."
Pope's cannonization of dead fly on windowsill causes Cardinals to question infallibility of pain-management pump.
Jury rejects former Worldcom CEO Bernard Ebbers's "I can't count to ten" defense.
News anchor who previously intoned that "everything changed" after 9-11 now breathlessly fixated on Michael Jackson trial.
Rock-and-Roll Hall of Fame agonizes until last minute over which photo to display during The Pretenders' induction ceremony: current, all-living lineup, or original, 50% deceased lineup.
FOX broadcasting shows its support for troops with launch of new "Rehab that Veteran!" reality show.
Local Bay City Rollers tribute band finally dumps dyslexic lead singer; returns "Saturday Night" to set list.
Plastic cup manufacturers celebrate the arrival of Spring Break.
Self-diapering helper monkey creates stir as most popular product innovation at Disability-Yes! Expo 2005.
Remaining Blowfish die a little each time Hootie's Burger King commercial plays.
U.S.-E.U. relations hit new low after President Bush observed snickering at each utterance of the word "European" during tense trade talks.
Public stunned upon learning that actors actually accept money to wear designer's gowns to the Academy Awards. "It's kind of disappointing," says one fan. "On the other hand, it does explain that disaster Natalie Portman was wearing."
Owner of downtown absurdist art gallery sells wall-mount fire extinguisher for $1.7 million.
Britain's Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles to marry after thirty years of hilarious comic misadventures.
President requests $82 billion in emergency funds for war in Iraq; Congress reminds him he is now $1.5 trillion overdrawn on his allowance.
Ousted Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina departs with severance package of $24 million, stock options, and a full 30 days of IT support.
Sickly stench of Valentine's Day merchandise fills nation's retail aisles.
President Bush's Social Security privatization plan wins the support of fully 30% of congressional Republicans, plus Poland.
Paul McCartney triumphs with spectacular Superbowl halftime salute to Sodium.
Tabloid reporters rush to determine which of Julia Roberts' twins is the "evil" one.
Network executives sign Paul McCartney to headline Superbowl halftime show, on the theory that if the worst happens, he can easily pay his own $50 million indecency fine.
CD collection finally makes leap from "lame" to "vintage."
Food scientists belatedly realize that cranberry-flavored coffee was a bad idea to begin with.
Distraught pumpkin ends seasonal suspense by commiting hara-kiri.
Millions of kernels of candy corn begin this year's trek from factory to trash can.
House Majority Leader Tom Delay adds "unindicted co-conspirator" to his long list of accomplishments.
Washington Redskins Coach Joe Gibbs bows to pressure, replaces quarterback Patrick Ramsey with garden gnome.
Memos indicating that one dead man found fault with President Bush revealed to be forgeries--abundant evidence that millions of still-living people feel the same way now considered suspect.
Thousands left second-homeless after series of hurricanes hits Florida.
FCC fines television stations for failing to air sufficient footage of Britney Spear's latest "wedding."
Democrats commence a-speechifyin'.
President Bush falls off bicycle at Crawford Ranch-- Secret Service agents swear they heard cows snickering.
After confrontation with leashed dog, cat assumes it is invincible.
"I'll look at that over the weekend" files remain in briefcase for third weekend in a row.
Architect perplexed as to why no clients ever want the Batcave he proposes.
Vice President Cheney asserts ties between Iraq, al-Qaeda, Kevin Bacon.
Teenager overcome with mirth upon learning that 2004 is year three of "National Bone and Joint Awareness Decade."
Customer service representative really not all that happy to have helped you.
Woman finishes turning into her own mother; begins turning into her own grandmother.
Former President Ronald Reagan honored by President Bush for defeating communism, reviving American greatness, and dying at a time when the GOP really needed some positive publicity.
Defense of Marriage Act specifically amended to outlaw anyone else marrying Jennifer Lopez, ever.

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