With Independence Day approaching, the Secret Service reminds all Bush compound staff to observe the following safety and etiquette protocols to ensure a safe and reality-free holiday for the First Family and guests.

• All pretzels should be safely locked in the unused pool cabana for the duration of the family's stay.
• Ditto for brocolli--it can go in the back-up freezer.
• Do not allow the supply of pork rinds to run low in any room at any time. This includes the bathrooms.
• Laundry staff should set all appliances to "seersucker."
• Approved uniforms include blue and white striped blazers, khaki trousers, and deck shoes (no socks). Either red or blue headsets may be worn. Please note that the former First Lady has a habit of slapping anyone with an insufficient trouser crease.
• If it is necessary to re-arrange any furniture in the basement kitchen, staff should take care not to block the exit to Vice President Cheney's secret tunnel.
• The list of persons who should not be admitted to the compound has lengthened considerably from last year. The most important additions are Donald Rumsfeld, Mary Cheney (unless unaccompanied), Dick Lugar, Paul Wolfowitz, and Matthew Dowd. These persons should be politely informed that the family is "Not at home to callers." Brit Hume (Code name: "Foxhole") may be admitted, but only if he brings chips. Scooter Libby should be encouraged to use the tunnel in the basement kitchen. See the full list posted by all exterior gates for further details.
• Saudi guests may require substitutions on the lobster for Tuesday night's dinner. We're still confused about the whole Jewish/Muslim thing. Agent Evans will advise the kitchen staff after he checks Wikipedia.
• Photos of Neil have been circulated early this year. Please do not repeat last year's debacle of mistaking him for the slow neighbor-boy who cleans the pool. The neighbor-boy does not wear seersucker.
• Staff on the twins detail may procure new vomit buckets at any time in the back bar area.
• Texas guests may be confused about the meaning of "barbeque" in Maine. Queries of "Where's the brisket at?" should be directed to the Cultural Liaison.
• Unless you are stationed near a restroom or hedgerow, you are advised not to sample the First Lady's Hot-Damn-I-just-kissed-me-a-pepper Potato Salad (unless, of course, she issues a direct order).
• After dinner on Wednesday, the family will retire to the side lawn for a game of "Pin the WMD on the Middle Eastern country not allied with Saudi Arabia." Do not forget the map. Also, do not give any pins to Neil.
• We are still investigating which staff member kept asking President Putin to say "We are looking for moose and squirrel." Anyone who can assist with the identification of the guilty party will be granted a three-day home visit pass.
• Anyone--repeat, anyone--caught on the grounds without their flag pin, yellow ribbon, and "W" button prominently displayed will be terminated immediately.
• As always, any staff suspected of talking to the media will be shot dead.