How to Get Out of Jury Duty

As a civic service, Toad a la Mode presents
How to Get Out of Jury Duty

When the Bailiff calls out "All rise!" stand up, click your heels, and shout "Ja wohl!"
Laugh like a loon whenever someone says "jurisprudence."
Inform the judge that the $10 a day stipend is insufficient, and you will be billing the court at your usual consultation rate.
After the judge is introduced, kneel and kiss his hand.
Repeatedly request a sidebar. No, you don't need to know what one is.
When they question the juror next to you, shout "I object!"
Bring your teddy bear, Mr. Cuddles, to the courtroom with you. When other people speak, say "Mr. Cuddles can't hear you!"
Whenever an attorney pauses to refer to his or her notes, shout "Amen!"
When questioned, persistently blame everything on freemasonry.
Dress Mr. Cuddles in a tiny John Birch Society T-shirt.
Make sure the judge knows all about that incident with the mud shark. Offer to show photos.
Spill coffee on yourself, then ask "Hey, does anybody here want to help me sue McDonalds?" Then laugh and say "Just kidding."
Address any female attorneys as "Foxy Mama."
If asked about your willingness to apply the death penalty, declare "I'm agin' killin'!"

Your honor, the defense requests that the court return to the Toad a la Mode menu.

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