Keepsake Fortunes from the Toad a la Mode Memento Box

Nice things are being said about you. Unfortunately, the parole board will remain unswayed.
Don't waste time trying to figure out how the raccoons got into your vacation cabin. The more important question is, who gave them the blowtorch?
You will meet a long-lost friend. Pretend you don't know her.
Stop picking at it. You'll just make a scar.
Every time a spam email is deleted unread, the forest of commerce loses a single leaf.
Odds that you will become famous are currently 1 in 817 million. Maintain a positive outlook.
Best not inquire too closely about the 'chicken' in today's Lemon Chicken.
You don't really look like a Beatle; it's just the black turtleneck.
If music is the universal language, your native dialect is the polka.
Beware of tidiness, for it often masks unspeakable evil.
Never shake a baby. You won't be able to taste the vermouth.
Concealer only makes it look bigger.
Every horse has two ends.
It is a wise man who Googles body disposal methods on a library computer.
Courage often wears wet pants.

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