The Toad a la Mode Bureau of Bread and Circuses Presents
An Historical Guide to American Economic Crises


Post-Revolutionary Depression
When: 1781-1789
Causes: Wartime debt; plantation owners' heavy investment in labor resulting in a "slavery bubble."
Effects: Debt-laden farmers began to participate in political activities, such as advocating for reduced taxes, protesting debtors' laws, and mounting an armed uprising culminating in an unsuccessful attack on a federal armory.
Government Response: Convened the Constitutional Convention in an effort to distract the nation with speeches, funny hats, balloons.
What Ended It: Inauguration of George Washington, America's first black-owning president, fixed everything. Plus, Alexander Hamilton cold rocked as Treasury Secretary.
What People Did to Get By: Complained loudly and vociferously, as only the newly-independent can.

Panic of 1819
When: 1819-1823
Causes: Impact of War of 1812 on banks and agricultural imports.
Effects: Foreclosures, bank failures, and widespread unemployment. Oh, and panic.
Government Response: Held breath for four years
What Ended It: Something to do with Missouri, evidently.
What People Did to Get By: Ate boiled shoe leather and read the works of James Fenimore Cooper, which were of roughly the same texture.

Panic of 1837
When: 1837-1842
Causes: Outgoing president Andrew Jackson, being his usual prick self. Also, speculation.
Effects: Bank failures, high unemployment, extreme crankiness.
Government Response: Newly-elected president Martin Van Buren wandered aimlessly through the streets of New York, bleating feebly. The effect was negligible.
What Ended It: Everyone went to Texas.
What People Did to Get By: Pelted railroad barons with offal at every possible opportunity.

Panic of 1857
When: 1857, duh
Causes: Loss of SS Central America at sea with 30,000 pounds of gold.
Effects: Plague of enraged leprechauns confined bankers to their homes, choked off commerce nationwide.
Government Response: Strict anti-rainbow legislation passed in House, but died in Senate.
What Ended It: Complete Hysteria of 1858.
What People Did to Get By: Huddled, muttered.

Panic of 1873 and the "Long Depression"
When: From 1873 until the meds kicked in.
Causes: Bankruptcy of banking firm Jay Cooke, due to the Vienna Stock Exchange "Grunderkrach." 1869's Black Friday panic, the Great Chicago Fire, the 1872 equine influenza outbreak, and the demonetization of silver may have also contributed, but "Grunderkrach" sounds cooler.
Effects: 14% unemployment, the Great Railroad Strike, and a mass exodus of voters from the Republican Party.
Government Response: Used federal troops to break up strikes with lethal force, sent inoffensive pacifist Eugene V. Debs to federal prison, and generally did things that you might expect would turn people against a Republican president who had failed to win a clear majority in his election and ascended to the presidency on the party-line vote of a rigged electoral commission. Hmm.
What Ended It: Discovery of Gold in Klondike finally draws away remaining leprechauns from Panic of 1857, commerce recovers.
What People Did to Get By: Deferred long-distance travel plans for 10-15 years; grew their own food; coined their own money.

Panic of 1910-1911
When: Guess.
Causes: Enforcement of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
Effects: Breakup of Standard Oil made John Rockefeller the richest man in the world. Another victory for anti-trust legislation!
Government Response: Minimal, since it caused the problem in the first place.
What Ended It: Mr. Peabody used the Wayback Machine to restore nation's trust in Sherman.
What People Did to Get By: Renewed their focus on home and family; compiled lists of Rockefeller relatives who could be kidnapped and ransomed.

The Great Depression
When: 1929-1945
Causes: Price war over shoulder pads for zoot suits.
Effects: Stock market crash and banking failure leading to worldwide economic downturn and one seriously pissed-off Austrian.
Government Response: Hid under desk, produced indifferent WPA theater.
What Ended It: Big white sale at JC Penney.
What People Did to Get By: Produced home-made jellies and preserves; stretched food purchases with breadcrumbs and lard; collected irritating anecdotes to tell their grandchildren.

"Black Monday"
When: October 19, 1987
Causes: Release of Smiths' album The World Won't Listen.
Effects: Panic on the streets of London; panic on the streets of Birmingham.
Government Response: Pumped liquidity into banking system, listened to Whitney Houston.
What Ended It: Pure, unadulterated magic!
What People Did to Get By: Burned down the disco and hanged the blessed DJ.

Subprime Mortgage Crisis
When: You're lookin' at it.
Causes: Desire to pretend more Americans could afford homes than actually could.
Effects: Entire generation of Americans too terrified to leave jobs at the end of the day.
Government Response: Executive bonuses for all!
What Ended It: We all move to Canada, probably.
What People Did to Get By: Brushed up on laws pertaining to arson and insurance fraud; used backyard pool of vacant house next door to raise catfish.


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