The Pillsbury Doughboy Whines
"Enough with the poking, already!"
Those of you who only know me through my television work may be surprised to learn this,
but I actually do not enjoy being poked in the belly. Frankly, it's not funny anymore.
I'm not as young as I used to be. The doctor says I've got ulcers.
Give my frickin' soft, doughy belly a rest, for Christ's sake!
I mean, what kind of human invites an imaginary dough-creature into her home, capitalizes on
his legendary baking expertise, and then rams him in the gut with blunt object? Would you ask Emeril
to give you a few pointers on your soup, and then hit him with a lug wrench? Would you
ask Rachel Ray to truss your capons and then break both her kneecaps with a baseball bat?
After all, are not all corporate logos human? Or at least vaugely anthropomorphic? If you poke us, do we not
exude yeasty aromas or endearing giggles? All I'm asking for is a little respect here,
people. All of us need a little respect. Me, Toucan Sam, the Hamburger Helper Hand (I'll bet
you didn't even know his name was Malcolm, did you?), the Jolly Green Giant,
the Swiss Miss Cocoa lady (and I do mean lady)--we just ask you to appreciate us for what we are, as we
were created by God and various top-flight advertising agencies.
Everyone except for Snuggles, that freak of a fabric softener bear. What I wouldn't give to
see someone poke him
in the breadbasket, or some little kid clutching him in one of those stranglehold embraces,
squeezing and squeezing,
tighter and tighter and tighter, until those beady little black eyes start to bug out of that
wooly round head, and . . . .
Anyway, respect. That's what it's all about, folks. Respect the corporate spokes-figures that bring you
joy and convenience, and we'll refrain from tormenting you when you are at your drunkest or most
strung out on acid.
And I'll tell you something else, the next person who calls me "Poppy" is going into a 400 degree oven for
20-25 minutes. It's "Mr. Fresh" to you, buddy.
Your waiter has left some complimentary breadsticks for you back at the Toad a la Mode menu.
