Chicago officials recently made their final presentation to the 2016 Olympic city selection committee. What
have they promised the IOC in return for bringing the games to the City of the Big Shoulders?
Every Olympics needs a cute and lovable mascot to serve as a good-will ambassador
to the world. Chicago's version will be Idiot Nephew, a tribute to all the ne'er-do-well,
layabout nephews, cousins, and brothers-in-law who get do-nothing jobs in city government.
The mascot's costume will be worn by an actual idiot nephew (on city time, of course).
The opening and closing ceremonies of the Olympics have nearly become a
greater spectacle than the athletic events themselves, and Chicago will not disappoint,
offering a thrilling display of precision street-sweeper driving from employees of
the streets and sanitation department.
All athletes will be required to wear no. 54 Brian Urlacher Bears' jerseys--Go Bears!
The Olympic flag will be carried in with great solemnity by convicted former aldermen.
Meanwhile, on the floor of the stadium teams of city workers, each arranged in the outline of a gigantic
slice of deep-dish pizza, will come together to form an entire pie.
In an innovative take on the Olympic torch-carrying tradition, local politicians
will hand the torch to their adult children who have succeeded them in public office.
As the climax of the opening celebration, Bears' backup quarterback Rex Grossman
will light the Olympic flame but drop the torch on his first try.
Due to rigged judging, Ireland will win all the gold medals.
Return to the Toad a la Mode menu and you just might find that Oprah joke you were
expecting to see here.
