The Toad a la Mode Housekeeping Department Presents
Disposing of Inedible Easter Candy
The first 48 hours of gluttony was fun, but admit it -- the stuff left in the basket now isn't going to get eaten.
Do yourself a favor and get rid of it before it becomes permanently and stickily
fused with the plastic Easter grass. We've helped you out by breaking down the most
commonly left-over sweets according to category:
1) Marshmallow Chicks, Type I (also Bunnies) - These are the sugar-encrusted, puffy
chicks that come five to a package and look like a series of disappointing yellow bowel
movements. Setting them on fire is fun, as they are highly flammable.
You could also float them on top of hot chocolate, if it is still cold enough for
anyone to want to drink hot chocolate, and if you like a puddle of oily yellow
goo on top of your hot chocolate.
Alternately, you can put them in s'mores, provided the tiny beaks poking out beseechingly
from between the graham crackers do not disturb you.
2) Marshmallow Chicks, Type II (also Bunnies, Eggs, etc.) - These are the hard
"circus peanut" type, usually wrapped in bright cellophane to fool the credulous into thinking they are really candy.
There is no known use for this substance.
It cannot be recycled, digested, or transmuted into any useful element.
Wrap it carefully in paper and dispose of carefully. Avoid contact with the mucous membranes.
3) Jelly Beans - Whatever you do with them, do it quick, before they get stuck to the floor or
in someone's hair. You might try baking them into a cake. It would be awful, but you could tell
everyone it was a Martha Stewart recipe, and they would blame her instead of you, and she deserves it.
4) Earless Chocolate Bunnies - These can be melted down and used to glaze petite fours for Mother's
Day. Be sure to pick out the disconcerting, staring yellow eyes first.
5) Anything with Maple Flavoring - Feed to dogs. Don't let dogs onto carpeted surfaces for 48 hours.
6) Tootsie Rolls, Especially the Fruit-Flavored Kinds - In quantity these make excellent ballast
for industrial shipping endeavors, as they are almost as dense as lead ingots, and impervious to
water, stomach acids, molten steel, and nuclear fission. Donate yours to the local Merchant Marine.
7) Plastic Eggs, Grass - You might think it's a good idea to save these items and use them again
next Easter. Forget it. Over the next 11 months they will slowly expand in complete defiance of all the laws of phsyics,
consuming an ever-increasing percentage of the closet space in your house. By Christmas, they will
own your guest bedroom. End this madness here, now.
There's a yummy caramel filling back at the Toad a la Mode menu.
