Bonjour, I am Jacques, the Maitre d'. And may I say you're looking wonderful today. I am so pleased you have chosen to dine with us.

This is a very special time for me, you see, because it is almost Bastille Day -- the anniversary of the start of the French Revolution. Our revolution was a true revolution -- not like that colonial rebellion you Americans call a revolution.

We French had a proper revolution with a toppling of leaders and a lopping of heads. We didn't just write a letter and then kill some underfed soldiers sent across the water. Some revolution you had. The British soldiers you killed were probably near death from scurvy anyway.

And did you actually overthrow any leaders? Hmmmm? Oui, you broke with the King of England -- I'll give you that. But did you cut off his head? No. Did he lose his throne? No. He got a letter signed by a bunch of guys in wigs.

So let's see -- who was actually running your country before your so-called revolution? A bunch of wealthy white guys. And who was running it afterward? Hmmmm . . . a bunch of wealthy white guys. And how about now? Hmmmm? My my, quelle revolution. Kudos to you.

The French Revolution -- now that was a revolution. The common people rose up and killed an addle-brained king, his fatuous wife, and scores of other upper-class twats who had it coming. A Reign of Terror in which the mighty lose their heads and a country's governmental structure is fundamentally altered -- that's how you have a revolution.

So nice to see you again. It is my hope you will come back again very soon.