DETROIT - General Motors unveiled today the 2001 model "Bastard," a deluxe sport utility vehicle "designed to fit the way Americans really drive."  Design innovations on the Bastard include a complete absence of side and rear-view mirrors, and non-functioning turn indicators encased in 5/8" tungsten-steel cages.  "The turn indicators are purely decorative," explained GM spokesman Gunther Davies.  "Our research indicated that, as with the mirrors, SUV drivers never actually use them, so our design team decided to stress their status value over practicality.  Buyers seem to love it.  Now, if they hit a brick wall or a small child at ninety miles an hour, they don't have to replace the plastic light covers."  Defending this feature against consumer safety advocates' claims that it makes the vehicle more dangerous to pedestrians, GM engineers noted that the cages covering the lights are much more likely to cause a swift death by decapitation, rather than a long lingering one from blunt trauma.  "The cages make for a far more humane vehicle in the long run," concluded Davies.

The entire Bastard design is based on exhaustive research into the typical buyer and driver of SUVs.  "We discovered that SUV drivers, far from being outdoors-loving, adventurous people, are actually self-centered, inconsiderate menaces to everyone else on the road," explains Davies.  "With that knowledge, we were able to design a vehicle that fits their real needs."  This year's Bastard, for example, is the first American passenger vehicle offering no rear window at all.  "After all the years we spent trying to increase visibility in these vehicles," Davies said, "it turned out that drivers weren't interested in avoiding accidents - just surviving them.  Seeing stuff moving around behind the vehicle distracts them from their phone conversations."  With this in mind, GM engineers have added a cattle catcher to the Bastard's front bumper, and the cell phone (standard on all models) comes pre-programmed to three different emergency services.  The "Bastard Road-side Assistance Plan"  (optional) offers the buyer access to a 24-hour a day helpline to which they can report accidents.  "With Roadside Assistance, drivers do not need to interrupt their busy schedules when involved in an accident," Davies explained.  "They can simply report it to the Assistance Center, where a service representative will alert the proper authorities to come and render aid, and even contact an attorney if necessary.  Meanwhile, the buyer is free to get to that important soccer game."

Even with the extra safety-armor, Davies points out that the 8,000 pound Bastard still gets over three miles per gallon - far better mileage than the M1 Abrams troop carrier.

In an attempt to capture the college market, GM plans to offer a new version of the Bastard next year, featuring stereo speakers on the outside of the vehicle.  "Externo-sound will make it simple for even the busiest frat boy to force everyone around him to kick out some phat jams," Davies said.

When asked for his reaction to the Bastard, Ralph Nader suffered a fit of apoplexy and died.