Once upon what may have been a particular time, but was more probably a rather wide window of narrative opportunity,
there may or may not have been a little girl. We have a wide range of evidence from a number of experts who have been
advising the president on this matter, and the existence of the little girl is, therefore, a probability in which we
can place a great deal of confidence. The president has said before -- has said, in fact, from the very beginning -- that he
is personally convinced of the presence of the little girl, and the president is, as you all know, a man of
his convictions. So when we say that there "may or may not" have been a little girl, we mean that in the sense that
the actual size of the girl is still to some extent a matter of conjecture. She may actually have been fairly large.
The available satellite imagery and other intelligence information, which is, and I'm sure you will understand the need
for this, strictly classified, is somewhat ambiguous as to the exact size of the girl. But many of the on-the-ground
reports we have received to date refer to the girl as "little," and the president, as you all know, has implicit faith in the
abilities of the United States military's intelligence-gathering community.
Now, as to these reports that have been circulating in the media to the
effect that this little girl, or girl who is very probably on the small side, was sent by some shadowy family
member, possibly her mother, to act as special envoy to some suspected terrorist operative, known in
Middle Eastern circles as "the Wolf" -- the president is not going to dignify these reports with either confirmation or denial.
I would just like to point out to the members of the press that, even assuming the girl is not quite so small as
we are reasonably sure she is, the amount of aid she could, by herself, deliver, is insignificant. And,
speaking to those news sources which reported that the president had implied, during his address to Congress, that
the most likely little girl was transporting enriched Uranium in her basket, I can unequivocally deny that
the president ever said anything of the kind, at any time. When he said, "This little girl is at this very
moment carrying enough Uranium to destroy the western world directly into the hands of Saddam Hussein,"
he was quite obviously using metaphorical imagery in order to enhance the urgency of the situation. His meaning
was clear. And I think you'll find that the American people understood his message, and that they support his decision
to drop twenty thousand pounds of explosives on the house of the little girl's grandmother. The American
people trust the president, and they trust his ability to find this little girl and determine the contents of her basket,
but the actual contents of that basket are irrelevant to the task at hand, which is the liberation of the
long-suffering people of Iraq. Irregardless, the fact remains
that the president did not, ever, tell the American people anything but the truth in regard to this alleged little
girl.
In short, ladies and gentlemen, there is no story here. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Now go to sleep, or the Boogyman will
introduce nerve gas into your bedroom through the air conditioning vents.
We'll take a few questions back at the Toad a la Mode menu.
