The Toad a la Mode Bureau of Annoying Advice presents
Weight Loss Tips for the New Year
Happy 2007! If you've resolved to shed some unwanted pounds this year, try these doctor-tested*
weight-loss tips:
Substitute a bowl of oatmeal with prunes for your regular breakfast. You'll be so revolted and depressed,
you won't feel like eating for hours, if ever.
To jump-start weight loss, try the new USDA-approved Spinach Plus with E. Coli.
Eat without using your hands. Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but have you ever seen a fat snake?
Get plenty of fiber. Your goal should be at least two handfuls of sawdust daily.
You can sprinkle it on yogurt, or add it to meatloaf, like they do in public school cafeterias.
Keep portions small. Small, tasteless, and infrequently consumed.
Get some exercise. Instead of driving half a block to Krispy Kreme, walk there.
You can take a cab home.
When hunger pangs strike, try taking a bath instead of eating. Make the water
as hot as possible and pretend you are soup.
Put a picture of Adam Sandler on your refrigerator.
Soon you'll find yourself avoiding the kitchen entirely.
You can eat foods you like while you're dieting. Just be
sure to throw them up promptly.
*Not always successfully.
Find more ways to better your life back at the Toad a la Mode menu.
